When I saw this picture, it really spoke volumes to me! It helped me to, one, realize that this is exactly what I am on in my own life, as well as to put into words some of the things that I have said in other words in that book - Stand In Your Anointing - This Too Shall Pass!!!
Everyone will have to take a journey like this at some time in their life. And as with any other journey in our lives that we take, everyone does not prepare the same or pack the same or choose the same destination to travel too! Some like destinations where it is hot - Jamaica - Hawaii!! Some like those destinations where it is cold, Alaska, is all that comes to mind at present, or New York, where I grew up at!!!
So it is with the the journey of grieveing. We all didn't get there at the same time and we have all certainly arrived there from our own separate places of origins or beginnings. And so it is that we will not all go on this journey the same way! I am not you and you are not me!!! Some arrive at this place as the older brother or sister. Some as the younger brother or sister. I being one of 10 or more children with the age span of all of those siblings overr at least two generations, for sure I know that we all do not get to the same place although having shared common beginnings the same!! Love all of my brothers and sisters, and especially the few I have left, but the truth has to be told, we are all so very different, yet in all of us, you can see and trace some of our common thoughts and gestures and reasons back to our beloved late mother. So now, having lost 7 siblings that I knew and were priveledged to share life with, my mom and my matriarchal grandmom (my dad's mom, I do not remember, but so love anyways - Grandma Dovie), my dad and my stepdad, one foster son, many friends and now my late and beloved husband, Richard Reddix, Sr, I think I can speak a little on the subject of recovering from a Broken Heart and being on this Journey that you Have to Take Alone!!
Recovering from a broken heart usually means that there are
still strong feelings and attachments to the person (thing) you once loved and
whom you depended on. It also may tend
to imply that the broken relationship (marriage, death, friendship) was not the
outcome you desired, leaving you with a sense of powerlessness. And to tell the whole truth, there is probably some underlying message
that somehow you have failed or that you may not have been good enough or
responsible enough in some way. Oh if I had a... Or if I just could have ... I wish I could.... Or If only I... Sounds familiar I am sure.
Facing an end to an important relationship in your life with
someone you loved and perhaps still love very much, can certainly relate to an
aftermath of sadness, grief, disorientation, self-doubt, and often a temporary
feeling of depression and despair.
Dear One, it takes time for your heart to mend. And it usually involves
a time of thinking through and reliving all the shared experiences. It can mean weeks or months and even years
for some ( I included here), of feeling waves of emotion as your mind revisits experiences that
keep getting triggered by your daily activities.
One of the most difficult parts is getting through the
initial shock, sadness and loss. After all, life has changed drastically and
quickly!!!!
It is a natural part of the healing process, to be still thinking in terms of the other person’s (thing, situation’s) needs. It is that part of the separating out from it that we go through. It’s important not to misinterpret the pain you’re feeling
as a sign that you did or didn’t fulfill something on your end of the
relationship. Allow yourself time to engage in recognition of your pain and your loss.
You may have heard canned statements that say that “It takes
as much time to heal as the time involved in the relationship.” To that I say HMMMM!!! Or, perhaps you have heard it this way,
'The deepness and dependence on the
relationship is often rooted in unfulfilled needs from childhood." HMMM, again!!! This is the truth to me, what seemed like a brief relationship may take
a year or even years to heal. All of the thoughts of what you were going to do, the gireif of the unborn children, the trips so not taken, the desire to still want to, th not celebrated birthdays, the not walking down the isle, the no tomorrow we will, the video of the life you planned together that is now only a snapshot, huugh, ohhh, my my,my!!! Where as a long-term relationship may end and be processed in a relatively
short time. I have had one of those! You know the one where you say Good Riddens, and if I ever see you again, it will be too soon!!! Thanks, but no thanks buddy!!!
There are no real rules for
how much time it takes, but it is a good idea to seek help if the time seems
extensive and protracted, beyond what would seem a "normal time" to keyword here - each person,
or if there seems to be no progress in the healing.
Ok, so what can you do? I have found some ways to use as a guide, not a ruler as to how things can progress through. At least I hope they will be. Perhaps the following markers along the path c can help you gauage your progress as you go along!!!
Markers:
Marker 1.
Individuation - the process of becoming yourself again - so to speak
This may be the hardest of all. When you care for another person, over time,
you blend energies in the form of hopes, dreams, plans and expectations with
that person (thing,situation). When the relationship
has ended, you go through a process of individuation, pulling back and
reclaiming yourself - you out of this now blended identity.
This can feel for a time like a part of you is actually missing. Even if you want someone out of your life,
the ending of that blendedness - familiarity leaves a feeling that you are not
whole for a time. Your mind is searching
to rebuild the feeling of independence you once knew, while incorporating the
time of blendedness which has taken place during the time you were involved in the
relationship.
Because of the newness, the strangeness, and the confusion
in your mind during this time, you may experience periods of tearfulness,
hopelessness, and not feeling joy. You
may not feel like socializing or eating, and you may experience physical
symptoms such as an aching in the pit of your stomach. You may feel loneliness even in the presence
of close friends. You may be feeling
symptoms equivalent to those reported by persons recovering from drug, food and
alcohol addiction in the earliest stages.
It’s normal at this mark to feel sorry for yourself as you review
many painful memories. People experience
strong longings to return to the situation that has ended; all to prevent or stop
the longing for the familiar and the ensuing confusion. Some persons may even just want it to be over. This is a journey for sure! And you must allow
yourself the tears and feelings of loss and wanting to be alone for a time. If
you ignore these feelings of loss, or try to distract yourself, they will only
remain for a longer period of time.
Write about your feelings, (this is what I did and the result is my book - Stand In Your Anointment -This Too Shall Pass!) or talk about your feelings with a close
friend or confident (Pastor, therapist).
After an initial period of grieving and mourning your loss, you may fnd it helpful to make a commitment to begin to get back to re-building other connections which
you may have neglected while you were in your relationship and in your grieving
period. Make plans with old friends,
sign up for a class, and make new friends; plan a gathering at your home and
the like. Only schedule part of your
time with others, and use some constructive alone time to continue the review
of the past relationship. Your mind
needs to find answers to your questions.
You may need to do research to gain the understanding that you need.
Use what you learn to help you begin to build a listing of
what you want in your future. This
evaluation can help move your mind from the past to the future, where hope exists. The only part of life, now that you can control is what
you think and do today and your plans for the future.
Practice healthy avoidance.
Avoid excess in the use of alcohol, food, and medications. You may think you are reducing emotional
pain, but you are actually setting up to continue it for a longer time.
Don’t avoid feelings.
Don’t avoid what can really help, such as exercise, communication with
friends and reading, but only as you are ready!!!
Marker 2. Start to Smile Again!
When you find yourself free of thinking about your past
relationship (blending) for a few hours at a time, you are starting to move from that hardest first Marker. You are now at place
that you can quantitatively measure your own progress. Rejoice and make a notation of each thought,
event, or experience that makes you smile.
Those can begin a new foundation upon which to build. The truth though is is that you are beginning to realize that you were there
before, you are getting there again; almost as a reward for facing the hard
work you have done up to now.
You may even have periods where you are able to think of
your past blenidng in that relationship in terms of being needed in your life for that specific
time. You may find that you are becoming
more philosophical and enlightened about the meaning of the past
relationship. Look for new meaning each
time your mind goes back to cover more details.
Do not be surprised as as some are and in fact find disconcerting
for many months. You may feel that you are
doing better, and you may even have started feeling good enough to date again,
(get a new pet, form new relationships).
Then out of the blue, you may get hit with a new flood,tsunami like of emotions. Know that this is part of the process of
getting to recovery. Don’t loose site of
your path, to find things and people who make you feel like smiling again.
Marker 3.
Getting back to you.
Life is now returning to some semblance of normalcy. Again, this may be sooner or later for some and it is all ok as this is the journey that we have to take alone and to recover from on our own terms. You’ll find that you are able to concentrate,
get excited by prospects of the future and you no longer feel as if you are in
transition of the unblending, to the you yourself. You have returned to a place where you have your identity back and
you may be ready to date and get involved in a new relationship ( new puppy,
job, etc) You will find that your mind
has found many answers to your questions that arose during your grief period
and that you have come to a settled place.
Hopefully you can find it comfortable to say honestly that it was the
perfect time, but destined to be only for that specific period of your
life. Your needs are changing all the
time. Still, watch out for the
occasional memories that will come in from time to time.
Marker 4.
New Relationships
When you get to this point, you are well on your way in your
development of healing. It is here thay you have or know that you will be able to talk about your former relationship
and find that the stinging pain of it is was gone.
You are involved in and connected with new friends and
relationships. As time has gone on, you
have re-evaluated what is important in your life and changed your list of what
you want in your new relationship. You
know now that you can, did and are recovering. Here, remind yourself that
you survived and you can do it whenever it is needed, if it is needed in the
future.
Louise Malbon-Reddix is the Author of:
Stand In Your Anointment - This Too Shall Pass!
Watch the Book Trailer & Where to buy the book
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfOUVQFaxU0
You can find more by me
at:
http://www.amazon.com/author/louisempc
http://www.facebook.com/victoryroadwellnesscenter
http://www.victoryroadwellnesscenter.com
http://www.scoop.it/authoring
http://pinterest.com/lmreddix/
And you can Follow me on Twitter - @LouiseReddix - see you
there!!!
Please know that comments and sharing are welcome!!!
Talk Soon!!!
